I think I’ve needed a bit of courage this week.

Nearly every day I write in my 5 year journal. It’s a small book with a page for each day of the year and five sections (for each of five years) on each page. I’m on my third year and began to discover patterns as I write out my entries for 2012.  Last year like the year before I reached a crossroads–leave or stay.  I find that I’m at that same place this year.  Years before I was paralyzed with fear.  The options were clear, but the future seemed too dark to muster enough courage to make the right decision.  Then, I feel like I knew too little about myself and the triggers that keep me from being myself.  Today, I know a bit more, and I know I have the opportunity to make the right decision I couldn’t make in 2011 or 2010.

Life is all about light and shadows and finding myself and balance amongst all that.

But just as light and shadow define the form and language of this building, so will it define my character.  The uncertainty of the future scares me.  But without light shadow cannot exist, so I can be resolved that although I am challenged by these life experiences, light is somewhere close by.  Unlike years before I have hope in myself that whatever happens, this time I will continue to be me and continue to find worth in myself.  It does excite me to wonder, however, if a different choice will yield a different future.  I shall see, won’t I?

What will 2012 be like?  I have a feeling it’s going to be great.  Growing in character can do that, and that’s my number 1 priority this year.  Hurray!

a little snapshot of the Highline from my September New York visit.

Both as an architect and a photographer I love when light streams into a room. I have three happy thoughts I refer to when I’m upset or stressed.  The first is the wind gliding through my hair and the warmth of the sun on my skin as I’m biking and inevitably the big smile I have on my face.  The other two both relate to to the image above.  The second being the mornings in my architecture studio in college.  It would be after a long night of working, and slowly I see the sun creep over into our balcony and finally shine through our floor to ceiling windows.  I remember feeling so refreshed those mornings.  My last happy thought is waking up early enough in the morning to see the sun stream in through my blinds.  I feel a sense of hope and peace when I wake up those mornings.

Since returning to California I’ve invested much time to really improve myself.  I’m searching for ways to have that perpetual happy place in my heart.  As a Christian I believe it comes from a satisfaction in knowing Christ and feeling secure in that; also in knowing that God loves me, and that alone is enough for me. That’s a great start, but I need something to really put that concept into practice.  So over the past weeks I’m learning that I can apply advice and practices from other cultures and religions and practices to reinforce what I personally feel convicted of spiritually.   I’ve found new ways to refresh my spirit like those happy thoughts through non-Christian avenues.

And it occurs to me that everyone, including Christians, would be so much happier and fulfilled in life if they did draw in knowledge from other sources.  Take Christians for example.  The Bible offers quite a bit of guidance in the ways of living a good life and being a blessing to others, but that doesn’t mean one can’t find positive influences from the teachings of a transcendentalist or a Buddhist or Jew or atheist.  As I read my books and talk to people around me, I’m learning to take what they say to heart and cater it to my personal spiritual beliefs.  I believe that God exists, but hey, I also believe those Buddhists have a good thing or two to say about how to treat others.

I’m rambling as always, but I feel so happy to be headed in the right direction in my personal search for the right life for me.

(The image above is from North Vancouver, Canada)

At the end of my final year in college I decided to grow out my hair. It had been short (short enough not to be able to tuck behind my hair) for 6 months, and at the prompting of my boyfriend’s request, I grew out my hair.  And I continued to grow it out for the next four years.  I go through phases.  I’ll grow out all my hair then literally cut it all off.  I think I first did it in 6th grade.  I did it twice in college, first in 2002 then again in 2007.  I always donate my hair to Locks of Love, an organization that uses donated hair to make wigs for cancer patients.  Although it’s a really great cause, for my most recent hair-cutting I decided to sell instead.  I figured I had donated enough hair.  (I donated at least 20 inches of hair every time.)  Besides, I found a buyer who’d purchase my hair for $1500.  I was set to sell my hair until I found out my mom had cancer.

After she cut off all of her long hair, there was no question that I, too, would donate.  It was hard.  I became attached to my hair.  I liked and didn’t like the attention.  I liked I was noticed for my hair, but I didn’t like the guys who’d hit on me or want to touch it.  It was weird.  I knew for a couple months that I wanted a pixie haircut, but I didn’t have the courage to take the plunge and cut off all my hair.  I had two stipulations: 1. I would have pictures taken of me before I cut it all off and 2. I’d attend my last wedding as a guest for the year.  Both passed and I still didn’t have the courage to do it.  I was in New York and with the support of two friends and the great recommendation from a friend of her hairstylist in New York, I did it.

I cut off 32 inches of hair!

It was shocking and it took a while to get used to.  The hairdresser didn’t exactly give me a pixie cut, but I love my hair short.  Above is the before and after.  The picture on the right is about two months before I cut my hair.  As you can see, my hair was quite long.  And as you can imagine it was a real pain in the butt to take care of all that hair.  All in all I’m happy to have short hair.  It was time for a change. :)

I suppose…. change is good!

(Ironically, I later realized that I cut all my hair off in 2007 also in New York.)

Image above right by Kimberly Chan

It’s a new year and still plenty to ruminate about. It’s only 17 days into the new year, and I’m happy to report it’s been a good 17 days. I wrapped up 11 wonderful days in New York with a posse of wonderful friends and a handful of lovely photography-related meetups.  I came home on a very pleasant flight where I met a nice lady.  Then went home to a nap followed by a yummy dinner prepared by my sister and brother-in-law.  With my sisters, parents and the in-law we sat around the table chatting for hours.  Nowadays I love being at home nearly as much as I love traveling.  When I’m in California I find myself wanting to stay home with my family and being a vegetable.  I rounded off the homecoming week with lots of work, new clients, meetings and plenty of quality time with giggling.

And, hey!  Did I mention I’ve already finished three books this year.  I’m really stoked.  I’m curious how many books I can read this month (and this year).  It will be exciting.  So I followed up my homecoming fun with dinner and a movie with one of my favorite friends.  I’m sitting here feeling like every day really has been the best day, but wondering where will this year lead me?

Where am I headed?  After filing my estimated taxes today, I realized I doubled my income in 2011 from 2010, but I also increased my expenses by about 50%.  So as I look to the future, I wonder where my hope is?  What am I depending on?  I am a super control freak.  I am a firm believer in “If you want something done right, do it yourself.”  I am a borderline perfectionist and can be extremely hard on myself.  (I know. I know. I hide it so well with my wonderfully easy going demeanor. haha) But I want to start off 2012 like I lived 2011.  Focused on God, focused on me and focused on those in my life that I love.  Seems kind of funny to put myself before those I love, huh?  I realized that the more I work on improving myself the better friend, daughter, sister and lady friend I can be to others.  Took some trial and error for me to realize, but I am such a better person than when I started 2011 and that’s because I wanted to take care in myself emotionally and spiritually.

I think this year is going to be great.  I turned 28 in a couple of months, and for once I’m very excited.  I asked for a bicycle with a basket.  (crossing my fingers!)  And hopefully I’ll get that pedometer that’s been on my wishlist for the past three years.  :)  Actually, I already think I’m 28; when people ask my age I say 28 because I forgot I’m still 27.  Exciting.  I have a good feeling about this year.

So where are you headed in 2012?

I sat on my connecting flight from Denver to Oakland amazed by the woman who sat next to me.  She was beautiful, successful and very interesting.  Nearing her second trimester, you could barely tell she was even pregnant.  She had such a positive air about her that I was shocked when she told me her husband who she had been with eight years had left her.  As we chatted I wondered what could possess a man to practically abandon his pregnant wife.  And I wondered how she could appear so calm, strong and pulled together.

Somehow we got on the topic of me.  She commented that I appeared to be such a positive person.  (And most days I do feel very positive.  I don’t have much, but I’ve been blessed with a full life.)   I continued to tell her that it came at a price.  I described to her how a year ago my boyfriend, who had bought an engagement ring, decided not to propose, then subsequently decided he had never loved me.  And how I was devasted and how much it took to repair my life after that.  Most of the time it amazes me how happy I became as a result of such a shattering event in my life.  My faith definitely carried me through it, but I also had a secret weapon.  There is a book called How to Fall Out of Love, that I secretly kept in my laptop bag for months, referring to it whenever I was on the verge of tears.  It’s a practical book written by a therapist that methodically goes through ways of overcoming the disappointment of breakups.  Honestly, I’m so embarrassed I own the book that I have a cover on it so no one knows what I’m reading.

So as I sat there with this woman who’s struggling trying to figure out how to raise her baby alone while dealing with her heartbreak, I felt compelled to give her my embarrassing self-help book, which was still in my laptop bag.  I just finished reading 29 Gifts by Cami Walker on the plane so it felt natural to give her the gift of that book that helped me so much when I was dealing with heartbreak.  She started reading it on the plane, and I could tell it was already starting to help her.

The truth is…outlook is key.  I believe it’s so important to read and connect with people; it expands your mind and perspective on your own life.  Both are really quite invaluable.

Why not? Two words and yet so poignant. Fear and propriety and other random things keep me from what I want in life. Why not go for it? Why not go all in? Why not throw caution to the wind? Why not wake up at 6am? Why not take on more than I can handle? Why not? Why not take advice from a coaster from a hotel bathroom? Why not?

Dive right in.

To get through life I must go through door after door to get to my destination.  In between me and where I want to get are other stages of life.  The end is in sight but there are life stages to go through first.  You can look at these life stages negatively like one might view the reflections as imperfections in these images, or you can take them on as positives that enhance the end experiences…  these end experiences being a successful business or a family or a home.  I’m rambling, but the true thing–the balanced person stays focused on the goal while savoring what’s happening in the present.  I suppose this image just kind of made me think of this, a concept I’d like to put into practice here on out.  Maybe the things we think are bad are actually the things the make life so worth living…to feel the confidence of overcoming something or the appreciation of the good times.

Hope for the future, savor the present, whether good or bad.

Ever notice how the change of the calendar year appears to really change one’s life? Every year people make new year resolutions, hoping to make some significant change in their life. What is it about the new year that makes people believe it’s a new start? How incredible would it be if we saw every day as a new start? In 2011 I aimed to look at life that way. With the loss of love, my mother’s battle with cancer and the sudden death of my uncle it seemed looking for a new start every day was the only way to survive.  Instead of survival I found hope.  Hope in the promise of the past staying in the past.  Hope in God who would carry me through.  Hope in myself that I could conquer life.  Hope in the concept that only I had control over my happiness.

I love how this quote takes things one step further.  How wonderful life would be if I viewed it as the best day!  And how positively could I effect others if viewed my day that way.  I’ve noticed how the kindness or rudeness of strangers can either make or ruin my day, and I’ve purposed to be that stranger who makes people’s day.  One’s life, I’ve found, is so tightly intertwined with perspective.  And this past year has taught me the power of positive thinking.

So I challenge myself to see each day in 2012 as the best day in the year.

(Picture above is the Time Warner Building at Columbus Circle in New York.)

I did it! And I can’t believe I did.  Since the 28th I’ve successfully kept my inbox empty.  Before I emptied my inbox it was filled with emails I put off replying to or messages I needed to file or put into action.  I’m happy I finished this task before the end of the year.

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My list
1. Read 5 books
2. Sort/donate my clothes
3. Rebrand all my websites and marketing materials
4. Send out packages to friends
5. Have zero emails in my inbox 12/28/11
6. Make a new friend 11/17/11
7. Knit more scarves 12/15/11
8. Teach someone something 11/6/11
9. Sacrifice something for someone
10. Reconnect with my old roommates
11. Write a letter
12. Go to Fort Point

I decided to knit scarves before the end of 2011 because of a little hobby-turned-shop I started last year.  I love knitting.  It’s entertaining and soothing and tons of fun.  The only problem was… in the past I knitted more scarves than I knew what to do with.  When a friend gave me a reason to knit (knitting her two scarves) I enthusiastically started my own little knitting sweatshop.  I finished her two scarves quickly but was disappointed I no one to knit for.  Then I had a brilliant idea.  I could continue knitting and sell the scarves I made.  So my shop Windsong Knits came to.  I finished the bulk of my scarves at the end of winter, so I waited until this winter to release the scarves.  Here’s the first scarf I made last year for the shop.

And here are the three scarves I made for this 12×12 to do list. :)